Have You Thought This Through?

You do know I’m going to grow up,

get bigger,

more demanding,

participate more fully,

speak out more frequently,

don’t you?

You wanted to have a baby.

but you probably didn’t think much about having a toddler.

or a child.

or a tween.

or a teenager.

or an adult —

an adult who’s gonna look at you, see only your flaws

and have no qualms about outlining them to you in detail.

Didn’t factor that into the equation, didja?

‘Cause right now, you’re looking at me

and my little,




face and thinking, “This is the best decision I ever made.”

Just wait.

You’re in for it as soon as I have a vocabulary

large enough to make my criticisms effective.

Or at least as soon as I can hold my neck up without support.

To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?

Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers

by Suzanne Weber

Atria Books • April 10, 2011

All material copyright © 2011 suzanne weber

no stealing yo

Some Changes Around Here

There are plenty of items

on which

you seem comfortable


You couldn’t resist the darling Bonpoint dress.

You loved the design of the Stokke crib.

You don’t know what you’d do without your Petunia Picklebottom diaper bag

and you’re sure you’ll use the Beaba Baby Cook Food Maker


even though




So what made you decide to skimp

when it came to picking up

a WIPE WARMER for me?

That’s where you decide to draw the line?

That’s the luxury item you forego?

That’s not worth the money?

Oh, I can’t tell you how fast you’d

get yourself and your American Express card over to Buy Buy Baby

and fork over the $49.99

for one of those puppies

if it was your butt

getting wiped

by an ice-cold wipe

six or seven times

a goddamned day.

The Sounds of Being Humiliated

“What’s the doggie say?”

Oof. Ooof.

“What’s the kittie say?”


“What’s the rooster say?”


“What’s the lion say?”


“What’s the pig say?”

Oink. Oink.

“What’s the horsie say?”




I’m out.

I’m done.

I’m bored.

I am not your puppet.

I am not your clown.

I am not your trained monkey.